Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
Drinking, I should not. Got here I don't know. Still drunk, I am. At courtneys.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
This is what my life has come to. Drinking champagne alone yelling at the dog because no one wants to hang out with me
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
Hold your horses dude. Titty pics are a work of art.
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
fuck sobriety. I want to wake up tomorrow in a park or some shit.
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
