I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I'm gonna give the beer pong table a viking pyre funeral at the bon fire.
Now in just stoned listening to my dads philosophical idea about public transit
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Ok maybe second best. He dated a stripper. Can't compete with that level of hoeness
Randomize
