We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
The girl in the white might have stds. I'm strangely okay with this.
I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day
Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend
He blended the pizza with water and drank the whole thing. He is my hangover hero
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I went in the closet and cried, then the bathroom and cried, and lastly he showed me his penis and I cried. It was a weird night.
My boyfriend's brother just got out of jail and he is already telling us to steal cable. Dude.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Woke up with 5 texts apologizing from a number I named "guy who elbowed me in face"
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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