oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
You're just mad because I look hotter in my mug shot than you do in yours
I just passed a truck with its bed lined with a tarp and filled with water with six dudes chilling in the back driving through campus. That looks fun.
You'd think the dry cleaners next door would be less judgmental for as much business as my theme parties bring them.
WHY IS HE GONE WHEN I ACTUALLY HAVE THE AMOUT OF ESTROGEN TO HUMP A SQUIRREL?!?!
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
It is not a successful senior year unless you show up to campus without pants at least once, right?
My cat licked the coke mirror and now is giving me dirty looks. Bet money she has the drip.
Grrr. Fine. You get oral for being unwrong.
No I’m scared man. She sharted. In my car. Wearing a dress. And I still like her.
Wow
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Randomize
