Eating a burrito bowl w/ queso sauce is about as cool as the first time you have sex w/ out a condom
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.
Jusy read on a science page that squeezing boobs can prevent cancer cells from forming in them, youre welcome.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
idk i usually just blame everything on steve
Steve quit two months ago
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
We had to push you home in an abandoned shopping trolley. You thought you were in a pirate boat and kept yelling "AVAST, ME HEARTIES".
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
according to the calendar even that i put in my phone last night, i'm supposed to fuck shit up at 11am today... i really hope i didn't miss something important
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