The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.
Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.
Getting drunk in an Applebee's pray for me
Lord god protect this child
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
He a gives rim jobs, because, of course a guy who opens doors and makes reservations would lick your anus..like a gentleman.
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
Nothing says "I'm sorry for shitting in your bed" like an Olive Garden gift card
I walked past his mum on the way out and she offered me toast in a napkin "for my travels". Being home from uni is weird.
I've been eaten out in coupes, sedans, trucks, suv's, you name it. If I can do it in a smart car, you can do it in a vw beetle.
I knew you were the expert on doing it in public. You need to get paid for your advise
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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