Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?
Motor boating, judging by the amount of lipstick I found I would say between 6 to 8 times
Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
You hopped on the counter after puking, and told us you were wearing bare feet and didn't want to be alone.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I told a 250 pound football player I would catch him if he jumped into my arms. And that is how I broke my wrist
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
you called me drunk last night to talk about summoning sex demons with magic WTF
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
Hey, I was just wondering why i dont have a shirt on, why im cuddling with a furnace, why im in my own basement, and where my car is.
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