There are thorn wounds on my balls, don't ever question my dedication to party again
instead of telling him i dont hook up with closet frat guys, i gave him his "straight' fraternity brothers number... pike house will be interesting tonight
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.
Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I guess I realized I had a problem when I ordered 4 shots and told the bar wench to pour them all into 1 glass
Her only article of clothing is an American Flag
I got a text saying, "It's so great to throw tomatoes at seagulls."
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
You yelled to anyone that tried to help you "I have a burrito, what else could a girl want?"
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
I a very close black and white picture of my slightly erect penis and I blew it up put it in an art gallery for a show coming up and somebody bought it for 30 Grand!!!
Randomize
