They totally botched my boob job. My tits look like they're are winking.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
and that's when the elephants and penises started dancing on the ceiling
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
Hope your thanksgiving is a complete blowjob festival.
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
Idk dude I just feel kinda weird masturbating in my Obama Biden 2008 shirt...
I currently look like a drunken mermaid, god I love beach parties.
Watching the series finale of Friends and crying in my Thai food. I don't like hangover Jared.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
If I say I hate myself for it does it make it any better?
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
