She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
He just refered to Steak and Shake as "a good place for couples". I will definitely not be shacking tonight.
I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I have an interview tomorrow and listed you as a reference. If they call you, please don't tell them about the time I smuggled a Chalupa out of Taco Bell in my underwear.
Just witnessed some guy throw his fake eye at his dad's face. Actually, he whipped it at him.
Do you think they manscape in the zombie apocalypse?
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
Randomize
