How is your vagina???
Double booked
With your butt?
Totes, candlesticks and all
Yay!!
Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
plans for tonight: dress up like pirates, drink a bottle of mad dog and watch the sorostitues across the street get naked. and yes, the mad dog part is already in play. hurry the fuck up. i look like a loser doing this alone.
Woke up with pink eye in both my eyes. That's how the threesome went
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
