Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach
Me toooooo!! Margaritas
I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good
did the fire alarm go off at the party last night I kind of remember a fire alarm noise
omg omg i ripped it out of the ceiling omg
Woke up to a sex noise notice under my door...he gets a A+ for proformance and ill be seeing him again.
You told me that you were mad me because I wouldn't let you 'explore my castle'. Then you said I smelled like a hospital and passed out.
Was just messaged by someone in a Power Ranger suit on OkCupid... Figured you would approve
I'm eating Swedish fish out of my boobs and watching SOA.. There is no way your Tuesday night will be better than mine.
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
