I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
If you want to dance with a less than stellar Asian chick, I have just the girl for you.
I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
I have better things to do with my life than be faithful.
My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night
Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
