WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
I woke up laying in alphagetti with the message "I'd go get checked asap" written out in the letters.
it's to the point where working 2 jobs this summer will absolutely not cover how much i will spend on alcohol next semester.
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly
You were offering to spell people's name for a dollar.
Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
You Just stopped dancing, looked at me and said "I'm gonna make it rain" Then shook the open box of crunch berries everywhere.
I deserve to be covered in dicks
He's getting Easter eggs filled with weed or Jell-O shots for his birthday
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
On another note- any interest in going to a gay bar to hit on 19yr olds?
Hey, YOU try working out drunk every night! Besides, I think at least one of those bruises is a hickey.
I came and sneezed at the same time. Words can't describe how awesome it was.
Randomize
