Just had to reach into my sister's bag and shut off her vibrator so my parents wouldn't hear it. I am the world's greatest brother.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I just used a tire swing as a toilet. I think I'm gonna pass out here so I can see the look on the first kid who uses it in the morning.
he was walking around the bar drinking wild turkey and gobbling simultaneously
masturbating is 5million times harder to finish knowing grandma is in the guestroom downstairs. just so you know.
He said it. He actually said "yes it's in".
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
Two words: blizzard sex
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
why did you kick open the doors at church screaming whos ready to party?
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