I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Ever had blood in your semen? I am guessing that's a problem.
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
We decided to leave the bar after we shattered a glassand then drive to steal a baby pool for our water festivities tomorrow
Seriously. There are at least 10 other people drinking at the bar with me at 10:40. Im justifying it with the fact that I've been up since 5am.
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
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