Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
Then all the boys were saying that they were amazed at how much i could smoke...i'm so proud of myself
Dudes got a Polo tattoo. I don't care if he has a yacht I can't handle that level of gay.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I think it was the free bomb shots from the creepy bolivians that sent us over the edge
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
He just got here and all he's wearing is a cloth over his penis.
I'll uninvite my mom
Conversations we need to have while high 1) how mermaids reproduce 2) if blind people hallucinate what do they see 3) reincarnation
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I think I came out of my blackout as I was ordering wine from the private wedding reception.
Your heart isn't making stupid decisions... your penis is outsmarting your brain. Stop fucking her!
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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