i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
He started making shapes and faces with his cock and balls.... apparently if you wrap the shaft with your balls and turn it 90 degrees to the left it looks like a hamburger
Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.
I'm being responsible and going as a gay, slutty Mormon missionary. It's responsible because I'll have a bike helmet on for when I fall over because I'm too shitfaced to stand upright. It's safer than Count Fagula. I just need to come up with a line equal or greater than "Blaaaa I want to suck your dick"
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
i need to stop meeting underage girls and letting them into the bar. i mean yea its a surefire way to get laid without having to tell them I'm 26 but i feel like as a bouncer I'm focusing on all the wrong things
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
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