Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I accidentally burped into my bong.
New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport
The idiot babysitter thought my dildo was a teething toy and gave it to our child.
Did you put it in the freezer again?
No one goes out in public like that, unless they do anal
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.
The waiter to-go cupped my bloody mary without me even asking. THAT hungover.
You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.
Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?
This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."
I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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