Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
To this day, I regret not having sex in the bathroom
apparently i came home last night raving about goats and singing songs from muppet treasure island
His wife just cheated on him for the third time. I'm his first extra-marital fling, that makes it ok, right? You know to keep karma balanced in the universe
Your logic is flawless...
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
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