Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
u sent me just one boob. one just doesnt do it for me. u dont get full on a half a rack of ribs u need a full one
and all i could think was, am i really about to have sex with someone who still thinks that pee comes out of the actual vagina?
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
There is a bottle of ciroc waiting graciously on my breakfast table. It's almost a sign for me to live up to my Russian blood.
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
I have discovered my latent superpower. If a friend is dating a bi chick they will inevitably try and talk me into a threesome.
Hahahahaha. That's what your stoned ass gets for eating half a bag of processed cheese at 2am.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Do you think he will let me wear my neck fan while he throws my back out?
Please shut the fuck up.
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