im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.
I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.
I think that's the first time Navy dress blues and a Ninja Turtles onesie have been involved in the same makeout.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Just opened up the freezer to find chocolate penis popsicles. Too hungover for this shit
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
Only you could go on vacation to visit family and hook up with a pro NFL player from Tinder
Oh goddamn. That a super downer Tuesday reality right there. Just hit me with the cold, hard, nasty facts.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I felt like a slutty ass cruella devil driving your old car, And I got in a fight with your wipers
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
