i just noticed 4 flies in my red wine. i drank them.
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.
I seriously think my heart may fail. And I didn't even grab a toilet beer :(
I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
I told my boyfriend that the thing I missed most about him was scratching his balls for him.
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
