I thought I drunk dialed Adam last night and left him a voicemail. I just checked my phone. I realize I left a drunk voicemail with my son's teacher.
is swine flu sexually transmttd?
Ha no, why?
sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad
I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I almost died today via plastic wrap. I AM THE REASON THEY PUT WARNING LABELS ON THINGS.
I didn't know where you were for like 15 minutes and then I went in the bathroom splashing water on the mirror and throwing hand towels around saying that you were "redecorating"
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
Dude mama brought home the bacon, i got his HBO account i guess that makes up for his by par skills in bed.
Wait you actually sent a text to your self saying “love you I miss you"?
we found her on the beach half naked talking to a palm tree
Which half?
Randomize
