ya know if you hadnt broke up with me, that porno we made wouldnt have a 3.3 rating on youporn right now...
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?
well the night couldnt get much worse after she peed all over herself and the sidewalk.
Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen
Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
I'm horny too so maybe we will both recap our regrets on Sunday
Side note: Hot guys are now getting with ugly chicks. Alert the media.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
Randomize
