So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.
Apparently you chose the latter.
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
I woke up to him peeling the skin on my stomach from my sunburn. If he wasn't so good in bed I'd be a little freaked out.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
Cheez-its and a bottle of cab...for under $10 you could win this girls heart
okay, but you can't tell anyone. Every time he instagrams something with the caption "avocado," it means he's booty calling me. Happy?
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I just remembered that the guy I slept with last night has "USDA PRIME" tattooed on his ass
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
Dude I just woke up with a dog sleeping on me.
I thought you didnt have a dog??
Exactly.
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