so... another position just opened up(704) Oh really?(704) Is it John's?(704) Or did you find a new way to take a penis?
I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.
I have a 16 minute video of you talking about your life. We are calling it your Anthology sponsored by Steel Reserve
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
Vodka and cigarettes aside, my body is a temple.
I feel like I shouldn't be left around 30 year olds when I'm drunk
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
