My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
Tell me exactly where it said it wasn't a unisex bathroom.
I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off
Just think Febushuary. A whole month of 70's esque bush! This is the dream
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Well the other day she asked me how often I jerk off. So I guess things are getting semi-serious
Don't you hate falling asleep on the couch with a glass of wine in your hand? It's like dreaming about peeing and then realizing you've peed the bed only stickier.
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
Randomize
