I hid a 6pack in the microwave for later
I knew I liked you
he fingered me, smelled his fingers, then asked me what i ate today..
Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend
there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm glad we are bonding over both contracting clamidya. Winners.
100%
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned
Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.
I have a fever. Last thing I need to do tonight is be elbow deep in old lady pussy.
Can you please help mom and dad? Theyre trying to figure out Skype, and its like 2 cavemen finding fire.
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
Randomize
