Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
He got a slutty, ugly mother of a 7 year old, and I got a dog that only sleeps and shits on clean clothes. No one won in this break up.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
I didn't tell that thing I wasn't coming over. Whoops
You know you haven't dated in a while when you call boys "that thing" and call dates "a boy type thing."
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
You should of known that i was high if i refer to myself as melting into anything
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
