You smell like stripper and shame
UPDATE: WE WILL BE HITTING THE BATMAN PINATA WITH A SWORD
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
Accidentally hit on the same girl twice at the bar, she give me her number both times though so I think its cool.
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
IF I CAN STICK YOUR DICK IN MY MOUTH, I CAN STICK MY GUM ON YOUR NIGHTSTAND.
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
So hungover. Have a black eye from where I tried to brush my teeth and stabbed myself in the eye instead. Should make the performance review I was stress drinking about go so much better.
So I just sent my ex a video snap chat of me getting head from some Venezuelan hottie with the caption I still love you. Think she'll take me back?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
walked into my room this morning clutching two empty bottles of sminoff to find my roommate's ultra conservative parents staring at my posters of naked men. fuck parents weekend.
Woke up snuggling with a large wooden rhino that I stole last night...obviously, we had fun.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
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