One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.
She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Don't interrupt me, I have a limited time to be high and thus be remarkably good at Pac Man
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING
Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time
He's my BOYFRIEND but he won't sext me. I'll be like, "tell me how you want to fuck me", and he's like, "I love how we can talk about our feelings". FUCK
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
In 2014 only three boys have seen my boobs so far
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
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