I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.
If I die tonight. Just know that chicken I made fuckin ruled. Recipe: Chicken with a shitload oF spice
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
I really hope the fuck ferry pays me a visit to close out 2011 properly.
Random question, but did I leave a spoon on your dresser last night?
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
Because my vagina is Ellis Island. All foreign penises must be presented for inspection and competency. God bless America.
The viagra-rita was a sexual success and a furniture failure. He said it was the best cowgirl sex he’s ever had even with the broken couch
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