I hate bills.
Like ones you have to pay or people named William?
You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
I don't care where my tongue is but i t's going to be in all the pictures.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
After much deliberation I've decided to name my penis "Arthur", hope your mom's surgery goes well.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
My general physician told me i have the emotional capacity of a 2 year old, While he refilled my xanax prescription. That's service!
Got so drunk last night I kinda sent a super on point sext to his kid sister...say a prayer man
You sealing the pinky promise with a shot was much better than just kissing it
I woke up naked and alone this morning. What a life
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
dude can you explain to me why i woke up on your sisters floor with moutain dew and chips everywhere
i dont know im at your house.
Just woke up to the cat unconscious on my stomach, his face between my tits, purring to bring down the walls. I'm endeared and horrified at the same time.
Randomize
