I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.
No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.
Yeah, I wish I could have one upped you. But all I did was ride circles around a cop on a stolen bicycle while laughing at him for telling me to stop riding on the sidewalk.
Sober now. I'm really glad I didn't try to make out with that guy who has a pregnant fiance
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
Saxophones in my mind. I swear someone dosed me.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
On my way home from the dentist. Was going to call and see if you would like to wake and bake, then remembered my sister is an adult
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Just saw a commercial for non alcoholic baileys cream. WHAT THE HELL IS THE POINT?!
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
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