Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
This cougar at my work just said "big breasts" referring to poultry... Still resulted in a boner.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I should have some sort of frequent buyer card or something. I just bought my third bottle of Captain this week. It's Wednesday.
And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.
I left boob prints on the hood of his car. Something to remember me by.
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
I can't bring an entire liter in the bar in my purse. I mean I can. I might. I'm probably gonna.
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
You know, we cock-blocked like 5 people last night. It's like we're her vagina goalies
There's no time frame.
For drinking wine out of the bottle and taking nyquil at 9 AM? There probably should be.
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
