At lowes after workin outside. Kid behind me says "mommy that man smells like a taco" yes she was talking about me.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.
He was eating mac and cheese. Raw. Like as in he was eating the uncooked noodles then pouring the dry cheese in his mouth.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
The couch is in the bathroom. I don't understand how that is even possible. I couldnt even fit that shelf thingy through the door. Come help. I am about to pee my pants.
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
I want what they have, but in the meantime I have a whole bottle of rum to which I'm quite devoted
Crap I still need to get you a wedding gift. I'm just gonna give you a bag full of cash, lube, and condoms. And I'll use furry handcuffs instead of ribbon to tie the gift bag handles together.
I was chasing disarono with Bacardi and watching ice cube movies. It would have been an epic birthday if I wasn't by myself and actually had some decent friends.. Hint. Asshole.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
How exactly does a handjob become fancy?
Blueberry lube, and champagne.
I apparently tried to wax off my nipples.This explains the pain
Is it weird I can only picture you in my heels naked?
Be proud; I'm a versatile boyfriend
Randomize
