We are surrounded by old people. Heavens waiting room for sure.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.
i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now
There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.
All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina
Someone just knocked jenga into a plate of cake. I'm licking off each piece one by one.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
so getting blacked out last night has made my lips so beautifully red for pictures today... and they say nothing good comes from alcohol
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
Randomize
