My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.
If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...
Dude. The only thing that I use less than my dick is my tennis racket. We need to play.
we have what I like to call an assload of ramen noodles
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
WE ARE DOOMED.
And not the good kind of doomed. Assuming there is one.
it isn't the robot apocalypse that's for sure
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
