I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
is it possible that there's a used condom holding pennies in my bra? I'm so confused on what happened last night...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.
So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?
On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
i just want to attach a dildo to the ceiling and ride it like a gay spiderman.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
dont know how to tell my grandparents I woke up in a frat house in the wrong town and that's why I can't see them today
I'm not a whore anymore. I gave up 90% of my women for you. I'm a 4-5 woman kind of guy now.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
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