I just woke up in my closet, wearing a pink cowboy hat and a pink thong...
I want my thong back.
I hate you tequila.
it took me about 5 minutes before I knew it was in her ass. i thought the first time would be a bit more special
Thats how high i was. The fact that he looked like Seth Rogan was apparently a good thing.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.
It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.
About to go get a free burrito for kissing a bald man in public
We're only going to be this young and this cute but for so long. And how often is it that a pack of Albanian law students is in your house?!
is it too much for me to say that i have a ziplock bag with ice in it in my underwear?
You know how I know last night was a good night? Because I remember high fiving a couple WHILE they were having sex.
I chose not to drink last night but drinking chose me
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
I didn't have any lime for my chaser.. so after my shot I ate a handful of lime flavored chips. Didn't work so great.
So... I sharted on the plane. It was hard to maintain my composure and acted offended at the same time. I hate you for not cutting me off last night.
Randomize
