I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.
Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.
oh awks just saw the head of medical staff who I punched the bottle of wine at
speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
My ex wife just asked to go over our divorce papers and for sex in the same text
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Bro if you were a bird I would puke in your mouth right now
Last night he ate BBQ Pringles out of my boobs...I feel like it was moderately productive
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
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