im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
What can I say...he's packing some serious heat down there. You wouldn't expect that looking at him, huh?
I guess God knew he was going to be bald...
It didn't go so well. He got drunk and asked my dad if 'front or back' virginity mattered more.
Fuck now we have to have sex
What?
In a bet, need to win
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I woke up in nothing but a shower cap and your sparkling coke straw snorter thing inbetween my toes. Explain.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
She looks like she smells of sausage, sunblock and sorrow.
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
And thanks to you I'm pretty sure I'm banned from every qdoba in south carolina. And cab company
i need some magic done to my vagina
I brought those bastards cookies so they can deal with my sex noise, fuck them and their roommate asses
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
Randomize
