maybe i would like her more if 99% of her sentences didn't start with "yesterday when i was reading twilight..."
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
Found a pint glass in my snow pants.
I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
i would have fingered myself to death by now but the dog wont stop staring at me
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
See I would make a great girlfriend. My surprises are sex and burritos. What else do guys want
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
"You're the only girl I haven't made out with yet" = worst pick up line ever
Taco Bell is giving high school kids free tacos STEAL YOUR BROTHER'S WALLET I'LL BRING THE WEED.
it's like that time i was drunk at relay for life. but with balloon animals...
My mom is coming to visit today & it's giving me anxiety. I feel like she can see through me & into the whore I've become.
Randomize
