My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
no its okay don't call 911, she's alive. just stopped by her house and banged on her door. she said she turned her phone off because she "had to be alone with her shame and embarassment". typical.
She thought I was gay, so I told her I'd be more comfortable with anal. She agreed.
i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.
I will miss his soup and his dick the most
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I will pray to the gods of eye bleach for you
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
Can't beat it when the local bar sends you off with a loaf of bread on the way out the door.
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
i just saw a man in the grocery, sitting on the floor, eating out of a galon sized tub of macaroni salad. We need to get on his level.
I just found your "it's drinking time" note in my chem notes. Why did this never happen??
I was waiting for you to find it...I'll be over in 5
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