im drinking this country out of the recession.
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
Saw you fall down on Jefferson and a cop drove by and shook his head. How you didnt get arrested after the party you went to on saturday is beyond me.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
You should be glad you didn't come with last night. I watched pirate porn for the first time in my life as the 9th wheel.
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
You weren't stupid you just made an ass of yourself. It's called a birthday party. That's code for night of regrets.
I am no longer embarassed by my vagina
It concerns why you would be in the first place, but I'd rather not know
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