There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
i had just passed the point of no return when my mom opened my door. I hid my dick and took the porn off the computer in time but i still had to explain my day at school to her WHILE i was jizzing in my pants.
I don't know why girls would even talk to someone as drunk as I was.
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
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Drunk. The frashmen love me. Give them. Toilrt paper. And shiots
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I got drunk and tried to make special rice krispie treats, but I made a mess and they were all stuck to my hands, so I just decided to eat my way out of the catastrophe and I think shit's about to get even weirder than usual.
Ugh why can't people just be grateful for my penis
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In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Part of my tooth flew in my eye when the dentist was drilling my cavity then I was sent to the ER. Fucking never going back
My goal is to have my roommate find me sprawled out in the middle of my floor naked and passed out. Maybe with some Alfredo chicken hanging out of my mouth. I don't know, we'll see where this goes.
You sat on me. Like I was a toilet. While I was on the toilet. You peed a little.
Far be it from me to tell you where you store your dildos but from an interior decorating standpoint not fucking there
Dude she passed out on the floor so you covered her with a blanket to make sure "no one would notice her"
And when she started moving around and making noises you told everyone, "it's okay, it's just my roomba under there".......
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