She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
The guy in front of me in Sociology is definitely working on my farm in farmville. Never met him before. Do I thank him?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
We watched a biography of Frida Kahlo in class today. It was depressing. A chick with a UNIBROW just put my sex life to shame.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I was thinking of baby names while I was giving him a blow job
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.
and then at some point during the night I ended up holding a baby
Why was a baby at a karaoke bar, and were you wasted?
only slightly. thats not the point. it was a cute baby.
Well someone is clearly not winning the parent of the year award here
took shots off of a myriad of fake boobs last night. It was glorious.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Randomize