There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
glad my latex allergy prevents me from being a one-night stand whore
she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.
Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"
I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.
The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant
He tried to convince me that it wasn't really that small and all he had to do was pull back the groin fat. It was still small.
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I got to my internship late... with a bag of chipotle and sex hair.
I'm fucking sick of guys. I think I'm going to date myself. No drama. And I know I'll always put out.
I'm feeding a baby and swiping on tinder...what has my life come to?!?!
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
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