If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
you're letting him buy you a plane ticket...to kentucky...so you can fuck him?
i know. i'm only adding to the interstate sex trade problem.
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I make one hell of a fire on Ambien. Other life choices not so much. But fire. Fire I can do.
Until they make a bed that bathes you in your sleep, I will not be satisfied.
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I can always count on you to keep my boobs honest
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