she asked me if the dress made her look fat, i told her no - the fat made her look fat.
My family is watching Intervention and taking notes. I need to leave NOW!
i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.
can you call in chlamydia to work? like if the antibiotics they gave you for it are giving you the shits...
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Come over. But instead of sex, will you rub anti itch cream all over my face?
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
Randomize
