i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
Andrew is trying to convince me that i took your virginity. Please tell me he is lying.
define virginity.
When I sent you a text telling you to splash water on your face, you texted me back with 'Iwehre N qyull.'
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
My going away gift was all of them dancing around with solo cups on their dick and balls...these are my friends
We had to take the hinges off the bathroom door. Needless to say, you are no longer welcome at that bar
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
I can't wait to get home and drunk cuddle your dog
It's my birthday weekend! I'm getting a Brazilian and he's going to fucking Arkansas. Where the fuck are his priorities?
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
You ran full speed into the glass door with your Patron and yelled "FEEL THE RHYTHM, FEEL THE RHYME"
He grabbed a pine cone off the ground and yelled "I love cigars" then tried to smoke it for ten minutes.
in the past 2 days I've ruined2-3 lives, made 2 men quit the bar, started a Wednesdays only affair, ended it, ruined that engagement and had my tires slashed by a jealous bouncer. please stop letting me out....
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