4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
I think I can smell my own vagina right now
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
Sex in the corn maze.....not as good as advertised.
Its like her house is inhabited by 50 year old lesbian water color artists with a throw pillow fetish
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Randomize
