then i got kicked out of the bar for trying to pay my $30 bar tab in sacajawea dollar coins
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked
thanks for leaving the note with the doctor's recommendations for my lip, they are dissolvable stitches right?
Could be my worst decision since the whole 'third degree burn' fiasco.
The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
And then we made magical love in his room under a blacklight as his roommate and girlfriend argued violently in the living room
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
